It’s been months since I’ve communicated about my journey. 

I hit a “dead end” so to speak in April. My biological father passed away and looking back…I needed space from writing and expressing to simply exist with that truth. 

I strongly believe love and grief are the same coin and although we prefer heads…tails is also a part of it. I have accepted my father is no longer present on earth; I miss him…but you know, I also missed him while he was on earth. 

I think one thing I miss about the relationship I had with my father is the version of me that my father knew; that version of me was unique to him. Now, no one knows me in that way. There is a finality to it all and the feelings of grief have been like tidal waves in my heart. 

This grief has taught me we are all borrowed in one another’s lives. We want so much for things to remain as they are, connections to remain as they are…but we’re just borrowing time within the spaces we share with others. 

I wrote something I spoke at his funeral. Here is a version: 

I wasn’t raised by my father but we spent time together in summers and he’d visit during momentous moments in my life. 

I’d hear stories about my father from my mom, his first wife and love. I heard how he joined the Army and worked as a tanker in Germany and how ironic it was because he was TOO TALL! 

TOO TALL was his knick name. I’d say at almost 7ft tall that was pretty fitting. 

He told me every year on my birthday how when I was born on a military base he had to pay $3 because my mom wanted an extra pillow.

I remember being overjoyed for our visits. I wanted to see his face. I wanted to feel my father’s love.

I remember big ‘ol milk jugs plopped on the table with dinner. I remember baked cookies…. I remember Flinstone vitamins and “you’d better brush your teeth!” You know, the little things.

His second wife has long crossed over but I remember my father telling me that marriage wasn’t always easy and he truly loved her…he stayed by her…that he’d “never leave again.”

I remember dad would give us pennies to be wished on and thrown for luck before our travels to visit his roots out of state. 

I remember love. ❤️🕊️🕯️🪽♾️

The little girl in me wanted so much to see my daddy’s face every day.

Now for you younger ones, this was a long time ago when FaceTime was just something that existed in science fiction.

I won’t pretend my life path has been an easy one but I will say that once I recognized I could be thankful that my father and my mother gave me life……that I COULD choose to see they were people just like I am…that they made choices in life and they did all they knew to do at the time…When I really understood that we’re all really doing the best we can…understanding and peace replaced the pain of growing up without him in my daily life. 

Through that internal process of finding understanding…through finding compassion for the fact we’re all human and doing our best…I was able to be open with my father more in his final years…to be truly present with him without guards around my heart. 

I am thankful to have had his third wife and her girls close to him. I have so much love and respect for the many daily sacrifices made because she simply loves my father and wanted to be close to him. They loved one another. 

Yes, I miss him. I will continue to miss his physical presence in my life. However, I know in my heart he is with God and that he is also with me spiritually. I know in my heart he is with my precious sister, her sweet family. I know he is with my strong brother, and his family. 

I remember he shared with me one time while he was in his physical suffering, how he wished his mama could hold him, pat on him, and tell him she loved him. 

I believe a mother’s embrace is one of the first things that greeted him when he took his last breath. 

If you love someone and are hurt by them for some reason…perhaps they left and you felt abandoned, perhaps they directed their own hurts and pains at YOU in ways that caused you harm. 

Whatever your hurts, whatever your pains, it’s my hope you can be fully restored to love in your own heart; the kind of love that passes all understanding…….by simply seeing yourself in one another. 

Thank you for your continued support of us and his widow. Your acts of kindness are everything to us during this time. 

We love you daddy. ❤️