I’ve taken upon me this behavior of observing. I observe other people, my own thoughts, environments, and the feelings that come up within me. I practice acceptance of what I see, the emotions and physical sensations that come up, and I process it all without any insistence of an outcome. I accept……well, I practice accepting what is in each moment I find myself aware and present.

This practice of observing things, accepting things as they are, as I perceive them to be, is quite different to how I once operated. It used to be i saw what i imagined to be true, only what i felt safe to see. i blocked my feelings and pushed them away. My feelings were stuffed down with distractions….a variety of so many distractions. i also attempted to control everything and everyone around me to feel safe. i deluded myself in believing i was flexible when in actuality the unexpected events of life and living shot through my body like electric fire. I continue to experience this pain during unexpected life moments the majority of the time. It is physically painful to be in my body during those moments but the difference from then to now is my confidence to move through it.

Although my body continues to feel pain, I can now observe life. I have more capacity because I no longer push my feelings aside and I care for my own needs a lot more than in the past. I can accept more life as it comes and use tools like intentional breathing, stretching, hot bath meditations (I have tried other styles of meditations but am not quite there yet), journaling, or reaching out to my supports.

Even typing these thoughts there is a part of me that feels this is so dramatic…..that my experience should not be this and that they are not important to share. I see that part of myself, those thoughts and say to that part of myself that it’s ok to feel that way but to keep typing because others may benefit. It feels better to know we are not alone in our pain and undesired life experiences due to effects of an upbringing that was out of our control.

What is in my control is the ability to practice living life. It is in my power to practice feeling my body’s reactions and responses to things I encounter and honor those experiences as a part of myself. It is ok. I am human and this is what this feels like sometimes.

Well, with all of the above shared I was recently at our city’s wildflower center. I was practicing life with my oldest, their child, and my youngest kiddo (there are twenty years between the births of my two children).

It really is a beautiful preservation of our state’s native plants and flowers. There is also a wading area for children to gather water in little watering cans and set to the task of helping water some of the surrounding plants. We happened to be settled in that area for a bit of time.

I chose to put my feet in the water as the sun shown through the trees and onto my face; I just soaked it all in. I felt connected to the moment, present, and alive. There happened to be a small girl, likely just three or four year’s of age and she was standing in the water. The tiny girl wore a silvery knit dress that glistened in the rays sunshine and reflected on the water there; she was truly a precious little girl. As I observed her wading there she bent down slightly to pick up a stone that caught her attention and the hem of her dress delicately kissed the water. When she stood back up droplets of water fell down from the hem of her shiny dress and made ripples when they made their way back down.

I observed her curious gentle spirit and recognized that same spirit within my own inner child. So many thoughts entered my mind and I felt intensely. I experienced grief, loss, and sadness in that moment. It was unexpectedly an emotional moment to see that little girl and remember my own vastly different experiences at her age. Tears appeared in my eyes; I let them come and join in the other little droplets. I sat there with my feet in the crisp water, closed my eyes toward the sun, and felt my feelings. A few more tears rolled down my face and I was grateful to feel.

Progress.