As I was driving on the road with my six year old they pretended we were in a race with other vehicles. I’d pass one and they’d say, “Oh we are in first place!” or “Speed up mommy! I want us to win!” There was a moment they asked me if I wanted to win the race and I thought about that for a minute before responding.

What does it mean to win? To be in first place? We are all driving along to our own destination on the road of this life. We are all trying to safely abide by the rules, stay in our lanes on our specific path to a destination.

I told my child I don’t really mind not being first but I want to be aware of others on the road as we all travel where were headed. I want to ensure I do my best to keep us and others safe when I am behind the wheel because its a big task. I suppose that is also an analogy of my life. I want to be mindful of others, their feelings, needs…..I want to be kind to others and true to myself.

Through completing step four work in the Twelve Steps of Adult Children as well as in Alanon’s, Reaching for Personal Freedom, I have taken a fearless and moral inventory of my life. I began this step 12-31-24 and completed 3-7-25. When I began it was with confidence but after attempting the first exercise I paused any further exercises outlined in the literature to gather more supports around me because it was clear I’d slip back into isolation, drinking, and other coping strategies I developed on my own.

Since I want lasting change and to truly grow from the past I needed more anchors into the future. I reached out to my sponsor, set up counseling sessions weekly, I found a spiritual church group to attend and begin studies with, I found a health and wellness center to help with physical pain, and started to take care of myself more by long hot baths, good nutrition, journaling, rest and sleeping. It is all a practice as I am learning how to incorporate more sustainable tools into my daily life. I am doing it and making mistakes. I am learning it is ok to make mistakes and that is how we all learn. I’m showing kindness to myself by catching the harsh critical inner voice and training it with the voice of my higher self, the part of me that knows there is more to this life but not quite sure what it is.

In step four, I carefully reviewed the places I have traveled in the past. I have remembered my journey. I will confess it truly was not without fear but I did it. I looked at the past honestly and it brought so much emotion to the surface that had been stuffed away and forgotten for decades of my life. I am sure as I continue this road to healing more memories will come but I have practiced the tools; I have a map. I feel less fear and more confidence in my ability to choose using tools instead of stuffing feelings away and isolating myself. I can not explain the emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical responses I experienced during the review process that is step four beyond, intense and transformative.

I have heard the only way to where we want to go is through. We must travel through. We must experience. We must feel as we become the driving force in our own lives. If we want anything different in our lives we must practice thinking and behaving differently. After going through step four of the twelve steps I can say that going through is hard. It is painful. It is uncomfortable…excruciating at times. If we are really honest it is humbling as well.

I don’t mind missing out on first place. I just hope we all make it safely and in one piece.