Today I woke up on the couch about 5am. I changed into pajamas, hesitantly brushed my teeth, and went to lie down. I was able to stay in bed until 11:30am, which is something I see as a gift to be thankful for this time in my life. My two children are twenty years apart in age. My oldest is an adult living her own life out in the world and my second child is six.

I checked in with the small human, who was on a mission to clean up to be able to watch Zebra Gamer. Being a part of the Zebra herd is a big deal in our household. 🙂 I helped with their mission and they were off.

I thanked my partner for getting the morning going on their own and making the coffee. I was able to sit at our table with some lit candles and books from Alanon and ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families). I felt true gratitude.

I played with our doggie a bit. I tried to scrub two stains out of a blanket but had to let the enzyme spray sit on them a bit longer. I made some lunch for all of us, we ate all together at our dining table with three candles on.

I took time to do a thirty minute meditation while in the bath after lunch. I was thankful for the long soak in hot water. I breathed deeply, I put my head as far under as it could go while still being able to breathe, I hummed, and took deep breaths.

Afterward, I remembered laundry my partner started for us, got some out to fold, and dried what was in the washer. I folded our child’s small clothes and put them away. I folded my partner’s things and put those away too. I put my things away and went into our living room where they were hanging out together. They had played bocce ball, Trouble, and some other games together.

My partner felt determined to complete a repair on the larger of our two beds in the house. It has been on the to do list for about seven months but something newly focused on since January. We all worked upstairs to help with the repair project.

The turned up mattress made the perfect cave for a “kid bear.” I observed my kiddo at play, my partner at work. I appreciate how they work together. I helped move the bedframe, I vacuumed, I cleaned a mirror, arranged a couple of chairs, and we had a tea party in the newly arranged space. We admired the repairs and new space with some “chamomile tea.”

Pizzas were ordered for them and I had some soup. I experience allergic reactions to the typical corner pizza shops and that’s what was in the budget. We played Trouble together after everything was cleaned up. Oh, our dog got second dinner because I forgot to communicate I gave her a ball puzzle with her dinner in it; she was happy I was a poor communicator tonight. 🙂

My kiddo won the first match of Trouble and I won our speed round. They were upset about loosing and threw their best bud stuffy and it got too close to our cat. Much was said and done. Anger, frustration, confusion, shame all came up. Loosing was not something my child wanted tonight.

I get that. I do. However, its obvious we can’t throw things.

I want to rewind the day though. I want to examine the details as to what led us socially into the opposite of what we all prefer. I want to see how I may have contributed, what could I have done differently, what does my child need to know? What can I show them? How can I show them how to handle the losses of life?

My child wanted to keep our tea party area in tact in the owner’s suite and I wanted to reset it to the vision I had in my mind. They were resetting the space back to tea party mode and I came over to get what they carried and put it back. During that process I accidentally set it on their left foot. Big big sigh in the face of various triggers. I realize now that was the beginning of the outburst for my child. I am glad to see this now.

That is what I could have done differently……I could have seen my child’s vision as valid as my own. I could have paused and not reacted in that moment. I could have talked to them, reasoned things out. Instead I was wanting what I wanted and wanted to move on…set it and move on. Move on…I have done so much of that very thing of putting things away and moving on.

I also realize my desire for control over things in my living spaces stems from my childhood and from my desire to control or have the idea I have control over something. My mother is a designer by trade and practiced her design in our own home. Things were set up in our home a specific way and were not altered unless my mother wanted something changed. That is my mother’s belief; I don’t need to carry that belief in my home now; a bedroom tea party space is ok to have for as long as we need one. 🙂

I was not in the present moment to have the capacity to see my child wanted the happy tea space to linger. I was stuck in my mother’s house. My child wants us all together just like I wanted my family to be together when I was a kid. My kiddo wants to be. They want the space to be, to exist, just like I want the opportunity to be and exist.

Tomorrow I will do better. Tomorrow we will do better.

I am thankful for the ability to go through the process of thinking things out tonight. Typically, I would have shut it all out and away to try and forget what happened. I am humbled. I feel sorry I didn’t see clearly at the time but I can be forgiving of my faults. I can be more aware in my future interactions with my precious child. I am so very thankful for my two children. I hope to continue forward in healing trauma and recovering from the effects and I hope it will benefit my children.

I didn’t really understand how much the traumatic experiences I have lived shaped my perception and experience in life.